Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Spring, 1905
The Mellifluous Orders:
The Confounding Results:
Oooooweee. Lookie what we have here, gentle-men; some Bigtime plays from some Bigtime players.
Almost two years of maneuvering finally pay off as Il Rofolio seizes the Aegean, long sought after for its strategic sun-kissed beaches and delicious tactical seafood. Now Admiral Turklo McTurbanstan needs to find a new place to park his weird Saracen pleasure yacht.
However, it's not all bad news for the Grand Vizier, as his puppet state, under the auspicious toadying of Archduke Guerra, finally succeeds in relocating it's collaborative Vichy government from Sevastopol to Rumania. Now the godless commies who had been using it for ballet and chess practice need to make like a tree and get outta there.
Speaking of godless commies, Chairman Alterio has some other problems on his hands now, as The Franco-Anglo juggernaut continues its slow, steady and rape-fueled march East. Will his Norwegian expeditionary forces be able to withstand this tide of Western decadence and agression? Perhaps, as the shrewdest among you will have noticed a suspicious internal support order among the froggie forces. Is there trouble in paradise? Does this augur a culture of mistrust between the bloated and decadent Marquis and his famously indulgent paramour, King Benji III? Stay tuned, only time will tell.
Meanwhile, Kaiser Magic von Turley continues to chill the fuck out in Vienna, weathering the storm of war and enjoying his exile while he drinks exotic liqueurs and reflects, not unfondly, on the Fall of Empire.
Gimme them retreat orders, suckers. Enjoy the war!
The Confounding Results:
Oooooweee. Lookie what we have here, gentle-men; some Bigtime plays from some Bigtime players.
Almost two years of maneuvering finally pay off as Il Rofolio seizes the Aegean, long sought after for its strategic sun-kissed beaches and delicious tactical seafood. Now Admiral Turklo McTurbanstan needs to find a new place to park his weird Saracen pleasure yacht.
However, it's not all bad news for the Grand Vizier, as his puppet state, under the auspicious toadying of Archduke Guerra, finally succeeds in relocating it's collaborative Vichy government from Sevastopol to Rumania. Now the godless commies who had been using it for ballet and chess practice need to make like a tree and get outta there.
Speaking of godless commies, Chairman Alterio has some other problems on his hands now, as The Franco-Anglo juggernaut continues its slow, steady and rape-fueled march East. Will his Norwegian expeditionary forces be able to withstand this tide of Western decadence and agression? Perhaps, as the shrewdest among you will have noticed a suspicious internal support order among the froggie forces. Is there trouble in paradise? Does this augur a culture of mistrust between the bloated and decadent Marquis and his famously indulgent paramour, King Benji III? Stay tuned, only time will tell.
Meanwhile, Kaiser Magic von Turley continues to chill the fuck out in Vienna, weathering the storm of war and enjoying his exile while he drinks exotic liqueurs and reflects, not unfondly, on the Fall of Empire.
Gimme them retreat orders, suckers. Enjoy the war!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Fall, 1904 (again, I guess. The dates are a mystery to me)
The Ponderous Orders:
The Soporific Results:
Well, there ya have it, folks. What a brutal year 1904 has proven to be. Not only were there two Autumns for some reason, but the Kaiser finally received that buttfuck-derived bruising for which he has so long been cruising.
Blammo! Turkey and Greece continue to insist on looking sideways at each others dicks at the urinal bank instead of just getting it over with and going into a stall for some swarthy dolmeh-cocked Mediterranean two-men-enter-one-man-leaves old timey buttfuckery.
England and France seem to be such a happy couple that you all can't even tell who the big spoon is, but hark! what's this? Is France's foray into the North Atlantic the geopolitical equivalent of a slightly mean-spirited and just-a-little-too-vigorous nipple tweak from the Marquis du Salmond? Only time will tell.
And for yet another season, everyone seems to put aside all their grievances and agree on one thing: Let's let Russia do whatever the fuck they want and slowly but surely buttfuck all of our territories into Soviet puppet states.
I need some builds from some of you people and some disbands from others. Here's the laundry list, send 'em in stat:
BUILDS
England: 2
France: 1
Russia: 1
DISBANDS
Germany: 2 (oof!)
Turkey: 1
Also, I took the liberty of retreating the Turkish fleet in Rumania into the Black Sea, which was the only option anyways.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Fall, 1904
The Circumnavigatory Orders:
The Peripatetic Results:
Ok, a quick recap of this years hot shell-shocked European peasant on shell-shocked European peasant action:
The German forces in Holland were buttfucked out of existence by a daring predawn joint Franco-British tactical buttfucking maneuver. There was also a highly coordinated French buttfucking operation in Munich, but without a saucy Englishman to hold him down, the wily German managed to wiggle off to freedom and avoid being buttfucked to death.
In other news, Turkey still insists on lending aid and assistance to the Austro-Hungarian freedom fighters still encamped somewhere in the cave networks that honeycomb the Sevastapolian mountains.
Greece and Turkey continue their spoiling maneuvers in the Mediterranean, the salty admiralty sending volleys of sternly-worded Morse code messages to each other concerning the questionable quality of their baklava and the insufficient swarthiness of their crews.
Finally, nobody seems to have a problem with Russia. They're just chillin.
One more thing, for your orders, please specify what action you're supporting, especially when supporting an ally Don't say, e.g. X supports Y, where you could say X supports Y->Z. The reason for this, of course, is that a great way to buttfuck your buddy is to trick him into supporting an action you aren't going to actually do, which makes his support order turn into an order to jam his thumb up his butt and look like a sucker.
That's about it, Great Powers. Have fun diplomacizing!
The Peripatetic Results:
Ok, a quick recap of this years hot shell-shocked European peasant on shell-shocked European peasant action:
The German forces in Holland were buttfucked out of existence by a daring predawn joint Franco-British tactical buttfucking maneuver. There was also a highly coordinated French buttfucking operation in Munich, but without a saucy Englishman to hold him down, the wily German managed to wiggle off to freedom and avoid being buttfucked to death.
In other news, Turkey still insists on lending aid and assistance to the Austro-Hungarian freedom fighters still encamped somewhere in the cave networks that honeycomb the Sevastapolian mountains.
Greece and Turkey continue their spoiling maneuvers in the Mediterranean, the salty admiralty sending volleys of sternly-worded Morse code messages to each other concerning the questionable quality of their baklava and the insufficient swarthiness of their crews.
Finally, nobody seems to have a problem with Russia. They're just chillin.
One more thing, for your orders, please specify what action you're supporting, especially when supporting an ally Don't say, e.g. X supports Y, where you could say X supports Y->Z. The reason for this, of course, is that a great way to buttfuck your buddy is to trick him into supporting an action you aren't going to actually do, which makes his support order turn into an order to jam his thumb up his butt and look like a sucker.
That's about it, Great Powers. Have fun diplomacizing!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The Phantasmogorical Moves of Fall, 1903 (I'm not really sure what year we're in anymore)
The Impossibly Mindbending Orders:
The Unreasonably Complex Results:
The Germans in Ruhr have been mustardgunned to death, and I tool the liberty of retreating the Grecian Eye-Tais up the coast to hated Albania, as there was no other place for them to go.
Turkey gains a unit
Russia gains two big units
and Austria has to disband one of his units
Holler back w orders you three!
I guess the rest of you can go have a Christmas truce in no-mans land and play severed head soccer with your enemies before going back to your disgusting blood- and shit-soaked trenches for more grizzly and futile slaughter.
Monday, August 15, 2011
The Autumn of our Discontent (and 1903)
The Shocking Orders:
The Unthinkable Results:
Intrigue abounds! Does this cruel, cruel summer campaign represent a fundamental shift in the power structures of the Continent? Only time will tell, but in the meantime, Rofranz Foferdinand has gotten real weird about the fact that he's mysteriously in charge of Italy and started looking towards the Orient, and the dreams of glory and reunification he sees in the stately cathedrals and impressive cannonades of the former Eastern Roman Empire. King Benjie IV and Marquis de Salmond continue their impressive game of who can keep their tongue in the other fellows butthole the longest as they team up against the staunchly heterosexual Kaiser Magic von Magic, who right about now is probably regretting tut-tutting that proposition in the bathhouse from the giggling and be-moustachioed French and Englishmen several years ago. Meanwhile, Grand Vizier Cherry makes no progress in the trenches as he continues to commit resources to lend assistance to his oldest friend and ally, the Archduke Guerraschplatz, who pretty much seems to be bent over a velvet chaise-lounge and all but presenting himself to the swarthy and notoriously rapely Turks in the style of some sort of extremely well dressed bitch in heat. When nobody was looking, there seems to have been a popular uprising in Russia, and Chairman Alteriostok has been installed in place of the old Czar. With this change in national politics comes a change in foreign policy, and the peoples army now has it's sights set on the decadent Austro-Hungarians. Their new rallying cry "Death before Suckass!" can be heard from Bothnia to Budapest and has proven to be significantly more popular than the bourgeois czarist motto "tea before opulent Russian pastries!"
All retreating units have been put to the sword by their merciless foes. "Where'd my unit go?" you may be asking yourself. "Why, they've been put to the sword, my good man", says I, "didn't you read the previous sentence?"
The only weirdness is for King Benjie IV. Apparently, to support a convoy, the supporter needs to be touching the convoy endpoint (if you know what I'm sayin', and I bet your special friend the Marquis de Salmond does). It makes no difference here, however, as your pasty and stiff upper-lipped redcoats stormed the beaches of Denmark with no resistance. Eat a bag of uncircumcised dicks, Hamlet!
The Unthinkable Results:
Intrigue abounds! Does this cruel, cruel summer campaign represent a fundamental shift in the power structures of the Continent? Only time will tell, but in the meantime, Rofranz Foferdinand has gotten real weird about the fact that he's mysteriously in charge of Italy and started looking towards the Orient, and the dreams of glory and reunification he sees in the stately cathedrals and impressive cannonades of the former Eastern Roman Empire. King Benjie IV and Marquis de Salmond continue their impressive game of who can keep their tongue in the other fellows butthole the longest as they team up against the staunchly heterosexual Kaiser Magic von Magic, who right about now is probably regretting tut-tutting that proposition in the bathhouse from the giggling and be-moustachioed French and Englishmen several years ago. Meanwhile, Grand Vizier Cherry makes no progress in the trenches as he continues to commit resources to lend assistance to his oldest friend and ally, the Archduke Guerraschplatz, who pretty much seems to be bent over a velvet chaise-lounge and all but presenting himself to the swarthy and notoriously rapely Turks in the style of some sort of extremely well dressed bitch in heat. When nobody was looking, there seems to have been a popular uprising in Russia, and Chairman Alteriostok has been installed in place of the old Czar. With this change in national politics comes a change in foreign policy, and the peoples army now has it's sights set on the decadent Austro-Hungarians. Their new rallying cry "Death before Suckass!" can be heard from Bothnia to Budapest and has proven to be significantly more popular than the bourgeois czarist motto "tea before opulent Russian pastries!"
All retreating units have been put to the sword by their merciless foes. "Where'd my unit go?" you may be asking yourself. "Why, they've been put to the sword, my good man", says I, "didn't you read the previous sentence?"
The only weirdness is for King Benjie IV. Apparently, to support a convoy, the supporter needs to be touching the convoy endpoint (if you know what I'm sayin', and I bet your special friend the Marquis de Salmond does). It makes no difference here, however, as your pasty and stiff upper-lipped redcoats stormed the beaches of Denmark with no resistance. Eat a bag of uncircumcised dicks, Hamlet!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Spring 1903
Ah, Spring has sprung! When a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of machine-gunning entire regiments of foreign troops as they stumble across a no man's land laced with barbed wire and soaked in mud and blood.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Fall 1902
The Underhanded Orders:
The Unthinkable Results:
Furious Continental Buttfucking Abounds! We need build orders. Conveniently, all dislodged units were utterly buttfucked to death, so we need no retreats. By my count, build orders are as follows:
England: one
France: one
Germany: one
Italy: one
Austria: goose egg
Turkey: two big radishes
Russia: zilcharoonie
Get your builds to me as soon as you can. Peace motherfuckers!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Spring 1902
The moves:
The grizzly results:
The only retreating unit was the brave Russian army in Sevastopol, which was utterly annihilated when bold Turkish forces nobly held it down while the storied and august Austro-Hungarian troops courageously buttfucked it to death.
Orders are due tomorrow night at Who Gives A Fuck o'clock.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
ok, lads. here we go. Here are the moves and the text results:
Results for Fall, 1901 (Movement)
General Notices:
All dislodged units destroyed; advancing to next phase.Order
resolution completed on 04-Aug-2011 at 10:34:51 CDT
Order Results:
Austria:
A bud ->rum
F tri ->adr
A vie->bud
England:
F nth ->bel
Bounced with bur (1 against 1).
F nwg ->nwy
A wal Holds
France:
A bur ->bel
Bounced with nth (1 against 1).
F mao -por
A spa Holds
Germany:
F den Holds
A mun Supports A sil ->boh
A sil ->boh
Italy:
A apu ->tun
F ion Convoys A apu ->tun
A ven Holds
Russia:
The Fleet in Rumania cannot retreat; unit destroyed.
A gal->bud
Bounced with bud (1 against 1).
F bot ->swe
F rum ->bla
Bounced with bla (1 against 1). Dislodged from bud (2
against 1).
A sev -> arm
Bounced with arm (1 against 1).
Turkey:
A arm -> sev
Bounced with sev (1 against 1).
F bla Supports A arm -> sev
Support cut by Move from Rumania.
A bul Supports A bud -> rum
And here's where we are now. Email me your builds pleeeeaaaase.
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