The Head-Clutching Results (with retreats):
The Unprecedented Third Map:
We have our first casualty of war, ladies and gentlemen! Yes that's right, while the war in Europe rages, the poor disenfranchised leader of the Austrian nation-state Archduke Guerra slips this mortal coil, not to the sound of cannon and battle, as he had hoped, but to the much more terrible cacophony of thunderous indifference. The Archduke will be briefly mourned and vaguely remembered for dying as he lived: making a feeble attempt to take Vienna that was countered by an ever-so-slightly-less feeble defense on the part of Kaiser von Turley, who swatted away the attacker in the manner of a sweaty, morbidly obese woman with labored breathing swatting away a bothersome mosquito as she watches her stories and eats bon-bons in her un-airconditioned double-wide trailer.
Grand Vizier Cherry was rumored to shed one solitary, lonely teardrop for his beloved ward before steeling himself for the greatest two-way, AC/DC buttfucking the Mediterranean has seen in this protracted, distended, pink sock-like conflict. After brutal fighting in the Peloponnese, Il Rofo and the Vizier had fought each other to a standstill in massively complicated Greek campaign, only to both be forced to retreat to Albania, where the exhausted and battleweary troops were mercilessly exterminated by the grim and steely-eyed Zaganjori mountain fighters. When the slaughter was over, the hills of Albania sang with their dreaded battle cry of "Dooooooo-riiiiiiiiiitos!"
The Marquis failed to seize any of Rofos improbably well-defended territory, despite deploying his entire fucking nation down to the Mediterranean. Maybe next year, froggie! However, his best friend, confidant, and between-the-covers-butthole-lover King Benji III fared much better in the frozen north, as he cruelly twisted the knife that he had previously jellied into Czar Alterios guthouse last spring. "Ow! Knock it off!", the Czar was reported to have said, as Pax Britannia took a giant rape-shaped dump on all of his former Scandinavian protectorates.
Builds:
England +1
Italy +1
Turkey +1
Disbands:
Austria -1 (Don't worry EG, you'll get em next time, tiger!)
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