Fall 1913

The Eternally Frustrating Orders:
The Par-For-The-Course Results:
I don't even know what to say. It's like you guys got taught how to play Diplo by a bunch of fucking filthy, hacky sack playing hippies, who in turn learned how to play when they all met as children at a really pleasant Quaker school in an bucolic upscale suburb of, oh, lets say Denver.

Builds:
Turkey +/- 0
UK +1
France +1

Suck some dicks you milquetoasts. Take a page out of Cherry's book and actually do something. Grah!

Spring 1913

The Pathetic Orders:
The Predictable Results:

Flying in the face of any sense of logic, gamesmanship or fun, King Benji III and the Marquis du Salmond continue to hold hands, gaze longingly into each others eyes, and not fuck with each other. Turkey alone remains. Grand Vizier Cherry stares into the middle distance, squinting his dusky eyes and grinding his stained teeth, burdened with the grim knowledge that he is the last stalwart defender to stand in defiance of this juggernaut of friendship and bushy-tailed sunshine rainbow feelings that has been trundling it's way across the continent. He has dispatched spies and infiltrators to London and Paris, to whisper in the ears of monarchs and let them know that you need 18 supply centers to win, and there are only 34 on the map.

Fall 1912, Builds & Disbands

Here you go, suckers!

Fall 1912

The Pontificatory Orders:
The Bloviational Results:
Ben: go fuck up Terry
Terry: go fuck up Ben
Cherry: Hang tough brother, you got these bastards just where you want 'em

Builds/Disbands
UK +1
France +2
Turkey -1

Get 'em at me suciers!

Spring 1912, Retreats

Spring 1912

The Pulchritudinous Orders:
The Insalubrious Results:

And then there were three. There you have it folks, Czar Alterio went and bought the collective farm. Grand Vizier Cherry sent Czalterio to the great big nonprofit leftist bookstore in the sky as he buttfucked his way back into Constantinople. "With my last breath I curse Zoidberg!" he was heard to shout. Even as the Sultan reclaimed his capitol Rumania, Tunis and Serbia fell to the much feared Limpwristed Dandy Corps of the great Franco-Turdburgler alliance. Those in the know have been asking each other in cartoonish whispers when that alliance will finally crumble and we'll all get to see the continent tear itself apart in the Andre the Giant vs Hulk Hogan style slaughterfest we've all been waiting for.

PS Cherry, we need a retreat for the Serbian. He can skedaddle to Albania or Greece.

Spring 1912

Here you go suckers

Fall 1911

The Nauseating Orders:
The Expectoratory Results:

King Benji III just buttfucked Russia into total submission. Now only a few desperate cells of Commie freedom fighters remain holed up somewhere in Constantinople and scattered in the mountains of Armenia. The King sent a delicately worded telegraph to his powdered and perfumed life partner, rubbing it in the Marquis' face that his pale and uncircumcised foppish dandies had accomplished what Napoleon could not. He responded by telling Benji that the King had something else that du Salmond would prefer to have rubbed in his face, if possible. Meanwhile, Grand Vizier Cherry is reportedly executing his general staff, Darth Vader style, in an attempt to inspire some kind of last-ditch surprise offensive and save his people before they're forced to abandon their delicious and heart-healthy Mediterranean cuisine in favor of some disgusting starchy bullshit with potatoes all over it.

Builds/Disbands:

UK +2
Turkey -1
Russia -1
France big goose egg

Spring 1911

The Deleterious Orders:
The Buttfuckerious Results:
Nice work, everybody. You're all a bunch of really great Diplomacy players. You all deserve pats on the back. Go out and buy yourselves something nice.

Spring 1911

Germany and Italy are officially out of this game as of Spring 1911. The latest reports have the Kaiser and Il Rofo enjoying their exile, quietly chuckling as they clink the tiki-visaged cups of their elaborately garnished cocktails while they lounge on a white sand beach, soaking in the rays and watching the war on a simulcast television, as coffee-skinned girls bring them more drinks and the sun sets before them in a tranquil riot of glorious color.


Just kidding, they were the first ones against the wall when the Marquis du Salmond laid waste to their capitol cities. Bwah-bwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Fall 1910 (Again, it would seem. I don't know, maybe ze Germans invented some kind of Romulan-esque time weapon)

The Punctual Orders:
The Only Avenues of Retreat:
The Disturbingly Blue-Tinted Results:

Kaplizzo! Despite the delays this week, we've got a pretty serious set of moves. The double-breasted, stiff-upper-lipped shock troopers of King Benji III marched on Moscow, took one look at the Russian tea room and said "Blimey crumpets! I'll be bug-snarkered, I will!" before putting all of Red Square to the torch to make room for a place that serves gin and liver pie. Czar Alterio's troubles weren't limited to the sneering calls of "choke on it guv'nah!" from the British, as he had to contend with the unchecked brutality of a swarthy horde of unwashed Saracens marching from the south. When Grand Vizier Cherrys beturbaned and unshaven horde was done with him, the poor Czar was forced to retreat to the decidedly low-rent Rumania and Armenia, where all he has to look forward to is lukewarm beet gruel and thick peasant women with too few eyebrows and too many moles. Meanwhile Marquis du Salmond just chills in the West, buttfucking whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and everyone seems to be totally cool with it, bro. Rumors abound that the notoriously decadent Marquis is possessed of certain appetites and he has been having the most comely young men and the most robust livestock sent from his newly conquered territories to the palace at Versailles for his amusement.

Builds/Disbands

France +2
Britain +1
Turkey +1
Russia -1

Get em in, suckahs

Fall 1910, or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love The Ever-Variegating Real Estate Market

The Banananuts Orders:
The Wacky Races-esque Results:

BAM! In one elegant Crouching Tiger-ish maneuver, the Marquis buttfucked Kaiser von Turley to death and then swung around and buttfucked Il Rofo to death with the Kaisers grotesquely dismembered body. Meanwhile King Benji continues to pour lemon juice into gaping papercut on Czarterios commie ballsack as he took away Galicia in the manner of a cartoon bully who dangles a milquetoast by his feet as coins fall from his upturned pockets (need a retreat order there, by the way- Ukrane or Bohemia). What else is going on? Why, what else ISN'T going on? There's almost too much to talk about, I'm a-getting the vapors. Turkey and France traded Tunis for Trieste while the Grand Vizier made a pretty compelling argument for teaching everyone in the Balkans which way Mecca is. But whats this? There are troubling and unconfirmed reports of Cyrillic street signs popping up in Ankara. Faaaaaaaaaaaaaascinating stuff. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaascinating.

Bullshit Spring 1909

Ok, here are the builds and disbands. I don't care what you guys do w/r/t civil disorder, etc. Unless anyone wants to organize a vote or some shit, I say we just let it slide and say we skipped a day and orders are due tomorrow evening like normal. Eat a bag of dicks

Love,
the Dungeonmaster