Fall 1905

The Richter Gnar-Gnar Orders:
The Crucsh-Dawg Results:

Bros! Look at this gnarly bullshit! Where to start dudes?

First off, it looks like the notoriously horny Marquis du Salmond just couldn't sit idly by and let Il Rofo just chill there, bending over seductively to pick up his keys or something, with his underwear on backwards. A great order went out to the French forces: "strap on your buttfucking boots and head towards Italy, garcons!"

Italy can't yet be bothered to care, for Il Rofo is still basking in his successes in his conquest of Greece. How happy could a young dictator be? The Turks warmed up that toilet seat, and now the Wops are going to have a lovely opportunity to take a big shit on it. By which I of course mean, buttfucking the ever living shit out of a Greek population that has already become acclimatised to brutal and daily rapes and indignities at the hands of the foreign-sounding and be-turbaned Turks.

Meanwhile, King Benji III has decided to get out of the kitchen and assert his independence by staging some serious buttfucking of his own, this time directed at the Soviet settlements in Scandinavia, who were just minding their own business, enjoying socialized health care, and plotting the downfall of Pax Brittania! Fuck those guys, am I right Benji? In any case, those Swedes better put down the borscht and pick up the spotted dick, know what I'm sayin?

On her southern front, Czar Alterio's Red Army comrades continue their regional game of slappy-slappy with the famously slap-happy Turks. This conflict still seems to still be focusing on the Elian Gonzalez of Eastern Europe, the deposed Archduke Guerra, improbably entrenched in Rumania with a small cadre of elite stormtroopers/sommeliers. When will this festering Balkan zit come to a ripe, turgid head and burst, spraying the continent with the grizzly pus of glory and conquest?

And finally and most unexpectedly, the formerly staid and aristocratic Kaiser Magic von Turley has put down the brandy snifter and picked up the hash pipe, turtleneck, and paint brush. Yes that's right, bru-brows, he has decamped for Bohemia, where a bright future of bongo drums and beat poetry awaits.


I took the liberty of retreating the Russian and Italian forces to the only options available to them, namely Finland and the Eastern Mediterranean. Here are your builds and disbands:

England +1
Italy +1
Russia -1
Turkey -1

Get em in. Blammo!

Spring, 1905: Retreats

Spring, 1905

The Mellifluous Orders:

The Confounding Results:
Oooooweee. Lookie what we have here, gentle-men; some Bigtime plays from some Bigtime players.

Almost two years of maneuvering finally pay off as Il Rofolio seizes the Aegean, long sought after for its strategic sun-kissed beaches and delicious tactical seafood. Now Admiral Turklo McTurbanstan needs to find a new place to park his weird Saracen pleasure yacht.

However, it's not all bad news for the Grand Vizier, as his puppet state, under the auspicious toadying of Archduke Guerra, finally succeeds in relocating it's collaborative Vichy government from Sevastopol to Rumania. Now the godless commies who had been using it for ballet and chess practice need to make like a tree and get outta there.

Speaking of godless commies, Chairman Alterio has some other problems on his hands now, as The Franco-Anglo juggernaut continues its slow, steady and rape-fueled march East. Will his Norwegian expeditionary forces be able to withstand this tide of Western decadence and agression? Perhaps, as the shrewdest among you will have noticed a suspicious internal support order among the froggie forces. Is there trouble in paradise? Does this augur a culture of mistrust between the bloated and decadent Marquis and his famously indulgent paramour, King Benji III? Stay tuned, only time will tell.

Meanwhile, Kaiser Magic von Turley continues to chill the fuck out in Vienna, weathering the storm of war and enjoying his exile while he drinks exotic liqueurs and reflects, not unfondly, on the Fall of Empire.


Gimme them retreat orders, suckers. Enjoy the war!

New Builds/Disbands

Enjoy, Suckers!

Fall, 1904 (again, I guess. The dates are a mystery to me)

The Ponderous Orders:

The Soporific Results:

Well, there ya have it, folks. What a brutal year 1904 has proven to be. Not only were there two Autumns for some reason, but the Kaiser finally received that buttfuck-derived bruising for which he has so long been cruising.

Blammo! Turkey and Greece continue to insist on looking sideways at each others dicks at the urinal bank instead of just getting it over with and going into a stall for some swarthy dolmeh-cocked Mediterranean two-men-enter-one-man-leaves old timey buttfuckery.

England and France seem to be such a happy couple that you all can't even tell who the big spoon is, but hark! what's this? Is France's foray into the North Atlantic the geopolitical equivalent of a slightly mean-spirited and just-a-little-too-vigorous nipple tweak from the Marquis du Salmond? Only time will tell.

And for yet another season, everyone seems to put aside all their grievances and agree on one thing: Let's let Russia do whatever the fuck they want and slowly but surely buttfuck all of our territories into Soviet puppet states.


I need some builds from some of you people and some disbands from others. Here's the laundry list, send 'em in stat:

BUILDS
England: 2
France: 1
Russia: 1

DISBANDS
Germany: 2 (oof!)
Turkey: 1

Also, I took the liberty of retreating the Turkish fleet in Rumania into the Black Sea, which was the only option anyways.

Fall, 1904

The Circumnavigatory Orders:


The Peripatetic Results:

Ok, a quick recap of this years hot shell-shocked European peasant on shell-shocked European peasant action:

The German forces in Holland were buttfucked out of existence by a daring predawn joint Franco-British tactical buttfucking maneuver. There was also a highly coordinated French buttfucking operation in Munich, but without a saucy Englishman to hold him down, the wily German managed to wiggle off to freedom and avoid being buttfucked to death.

In other news, Turkey still insists on lending aid and assistance to the Austro-Hungarian freedom fighters still encamped somewhere in the cave networks that honeycomb the Sevastapolian mountains.

Greece and Turkey continue their spoiling maneuvers in the Mediterranean, the salty admiralty sending volleys of sternly-worded Morse code messages to each other concerning the questionable quality of their baklava and the insufficient swarthiness of their crews.

Finally, nobody seems to have a problem with Russia. They're just chillin.

One more thing, for your orders, please specify what action you're supporting, especially when supporting an ally Don't say, e.g. X supports Y, where you could say X supports Y->Z. The reason for this, of course, is that a great way to buttfuck your buddy is to trick him into supporting an action you aren't going to actually do, which makes his support order turn into an order to jam his thumb up his butt and look like a sucker.

That's about it, Great Powers. Have fun diplomacizing!

Spring, 1904

Look upon her, for she is a beautiful and magnificent bitch!